Divorce Recovery: How To Get Over The Cheater Love and Sex. Part 3

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Love & Sex.
The difference between love and sex is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

Welcome to part 3 of this series Divorce Recovery:How To Get Over The Cheater: Love and Sex.

In my last post, Divorce Recovery: How to get over the cheater. Part 2 I explained the effects and the different parts of the ego. The three excuses that were made by men, for wanting to leave their wives, Divorce Recovery:How to get over the cheater. Part 1 used the words ego, love, sex. Today we’re looking at what love and sex really are and what they mean.

In the caption here on the left, I believe that this phrase may be true in many minds. Let’s analyse further…Divorce Recovery: How To Get Over The Cheater Love and Sex. Part 3.

  1. What is Love?
        • Just as a matter of interest, even Wikipedia doesn’t have an explanation… Hmmmm!
        • The Oxford and Webster’s dictionary does give a definition, but again I felt that the definitions were bordering too much on the infatuation, not love.
        • It’s been my experience that when a person is asked what love is, the reply might be something like this…
        • “love is that feeling you get when you meet the right person” (Infatuation)
        • This is how most people approach a relationship!
        • Consciously or unconsciously, they believe that love is based on a physical or emotional attraction. Magically and spontaneously they fall ‘in love’ when they think that Miss or Mr right has stepped into their lives. (Chemistry)
        • Just as easily, this kind of ‘love’ can degenerate, when the magic has disappeared, and they can fall out of love, just as quickly as they fell in love.
        • Again this kind of ‘falling in love’ is an illusion.
        • Erich Fromm a notable psychologist and philosopher, says the keyword here is passivity. Author of “The Art of Loving” explains the sad consequence of this misconception.
        • I feel that Erich must be quite right here, because couples are getting divorced today, after shorter and shorter time together. (BTW his book was written in 1956) The world has changed plenty since then, but the true meaning of love has not. If it had, we wouldn’t be seeing so many divorces in 2013.
        •  Men who dump their wives for another woman, seem to fall into this category, because I feel that they have recaptured those old feelings, with the other woman, that he once had with his wife. (Infatuation)
        • In other words this explanation of love is really just an illusion.
        • The Art of Loving By Erich Fromm

2.   What is the explanation of love then?    http://divorcereoverysolutions.wordpress.com

      • Real love is: Appreciating the others goodness. Is that a surprise to you?
      • Statistics from ‘long term relationships’ say exactly that.
      • People in love and stay in love will say the following…
      • My husband/wife is honest, caring, affectionate, respectful, loyal, has such good ethics and morals.
      • Intelligence, physical attractiveness, talented, and an engaging personality, count for something, but that is not the core of what really attracts us to the other. That’s if we are looking for real lasting love that takes couples to – till death do us part.
      • If love comes from appreciating the ‘goodness’ in the other, then we will only see the giving of another, if we are truly giving ourselves.
      • Giving leads to love.
      • I have a little saying that I want to add here. A gift is only a gift when it is received.
      • If you’re not capable of receiving, you will never receive the gifts of love.
      • Ask yourself: Am I a giver or a taker. If you can’t receive you are a taker. To receive means to give pleasure for the other. Think about that one!
      • Love is a choice that can be actively chosen. We have choices about most things.
      • Love starts with YOU. Ask yourself: “do I really love myself “
      • If you see your own goodness it’s easier to see it in others. (Everybody has some goodness)
      • If you feel that you can’t love yourself: Click here: Are You respected as a woman – self esteem. 

3.  SEX: Lust or Love? That is the question!

      • Obviously without sex the world would be desolate.
      • Sexual reproduction is a natural state for every living creature.
      • Sex in and of itself, comes from the Id, (the instinctual part of the ego) in humans.
      • Sex can become out of control, and used abusively, again from the base instinct of the Id (Instinctive Ego) that is over stimulated, and the ego and super-ego are not sophisticated or mature enough to control the Id.
      • This type of sex is usually termed as Lust not love. Many will say that sex is love. I could write a whole series of blogs about this complicated subject! Does that mean that if a man has sex with a prostitute that he loves her? I think not!
      • Anyone who has not defined the true word of love in themselves will forever have the Id (Instinctual ego) controlling their sexual drive. The Id being instinctual and always craving instant gratification. (Lust)
      • Sex in a loving relationship is a mutual giving and expression of the love between two people in love. Here the three parts of the ego are in tune. (Love)
      • As for the photo at the beginning of this page? I personally think it’s hogwash!
      • How can a real love relationship, as we have learned it to be coming from goodness, have tension??

All of these blogs might not seem to give you a straight answer, which you may have been expecting. But to be honest with you I could write a book about what I want to tell you. I am merely trying to bring out ideas to help you to see a different point of view. What I suggest is that you take each section and really look at it from the point of view of YOU! In the end we can’t control anyone else or their actions. My teachings under any circumstance, about relationships, is always about YOU.

Related resources:

Addiction Counselling: Courage to Change – Tovah

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Divorce Recovery:How to get over the cheater. Part 2

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Photo Credit: Can-Stock

This is part 2 of Divorce Recovery: How to get over the Cheater. Yesterday I sent out by mistake, an unfinished version of Part 1. Sorry guys, I’m always hitting the wrong buttons. One day I might become proficient at all this, techy stuff. I’ve republished Divorce Recovery:How to get over the cheater. Part 1. If you haven’t received it in your inbox then here is the link. http://wp.me/p2hPtN-5k

 Before any of my Male followers decide to ‘unfollow’ me, I want to make it clear that I counsel men as well as women. I’m not a feminist, I myself have been divorced, but although my ex was not perfect, neither was I. Takes two to tango right? I hope that I write my blog coming from an impartial place. Although in some cases I’m talking about the male gender, ‘the bad guy’ women may present similar behaviour and character traits in every scenario. No issue is totally gender inclusive. Men and women just think differently, and work through their issues differently. I’m sure everyone has at least heard of the book: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. By Author John Gray Ph.D  Click on the link to take you to the page for all of  John Gray’s books. Also take a look inside: Mars and Venus Together Forever.

Ladies! Don’t give up hope of meeting your ‘soul mate.’ Just because your ex left you feeling lost & hopeless. There are some great guys out there, who have been dumped for exactly the same reasons that are given in, Divorce Recovery:How to get over the cheater. Part 1. There are support groups for divorced guys on the internet, who are loving, caring, loyal, honest, trustworthy, and dedicated Fathers. I know I meet them myself through my work.

Divorce Recovery: How to get over the Cheater. Part 2

I’ll explain where these guys are really coming from. All three of the men used the following words. The first word EGO. This is a BIGGY! We all have an ego, some people more than others. The term is mistakenly associated more with men than women. I’ll try to simplify it’s meaning as best that I can. The Ego is made up of three parts.

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The Ego, the mediator of good and evil!

  1. Id
  • From the Latin & Greek word I. Meaning self.
  • There is the Id, ego, super-ego, making up the psychic apparatus. (Structural Model)
  • These components are only part of the mind, not the structural part of the brain.
  • The Id is the only part of the EGO that we are born with.
  • Id is the unorganised part of the ego structure, that works only from instinct. The source of our bodily needs, wants, desires, impulses, sexual & aggressive drive/desires.
  • Hence the Id operates the pleasure principle, the instant gratification impulse, seeking to avoid pain and is stimulated & aroused under instinctual tension.

2.   Ego (Often referred to as Pride)

  • Works on the reality principle
  • Ego seeks to please the Id’s subconscious drive.
  • On the other hand the ego will try to hide the desires of the Id and try to bring it in line with reality.
  • Ego represents the reality in ways of concious awareness of the Id, although not all functions of the ego are totally concious.
  • Ego is defensive, intellectually- cognitive, adjusts our thinking to the reality around us. Using tolerance, planning, information, intellectual functioning and memory.
  • Ego represents reason & common sense to protect the Id’s unconscious passion.
  • Ego is in simple terms a defence mechanism, to cover our instinctual Id that wants only self gratification.
  • Ego is a learned mechanism to protect our selves. e.g a kid might tell one lie after the other. Why? Because if he didn’t tell lies he would probably get beaten, by an abusive parent, for perhaps just taking a biscuit without permission. Self-protection of Id and physical protection.
  • Ego is the mediator between the Id and the Super-ego.

3.  Super-Ego

  • Representation of cultural rules.
  • Representation of parents, teachers, role-models
  • The Super-ego aims for perfection. Based on ego ideals, conscience, spiritual goals, that criticizes & prohibits our fantasies, the Id’s drives, feelings and actions.
  • The super-ego may be thought of as the policeman of the conscience, punishing us, hence feelings of guilt. I tend to think of guilt as turned in anger. (same thing)
  • Helps us to fit into society in a socially acceptable way, controls our sense of right and wrong and guilt.

In my next post: Divorce Recovery: How to get over the cheater. Part 3. I’ll discuss the words love & sex and take a look at how these are connected to our EGO.

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Divorce Recovery:How to get over the cheater. Part 1

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Photograph: Ace Stock Ltd/Alamy

How many women out there are trying to work things out, trying desperately to keep the family together and then the bomb shell. There’s another woman!

To make things worse your man might even be telling you how he likes you and what a great Mum you are, then here comes the…BUT,  I’m not in love with you anymore…

Here are three excerpts from men who were leaving their wives for another woman.

  • “In the end, it’s all about ego, I suppose. I’m not sure I ever was in love with my wife the way I should have been. I thought married love was something different.”
  • “We had very little sexual chemistry if any, and I often lied about how attracted I was to her because I didn’t want her to feel bad.”
  • “I met someone with whom I had real sexual chemistry and it became clear very quickly that I was with the wrong woman.  I don’t resent my wife, but I do want to move on so that I can be with a person with whom I have something that is satisfying.”

A very good friend of mine (a guy) once said; “A man has only enough blood for his brain or his Penis, but never both together” With these excuses above that seems to make sense.

Hmmm… However I see something deeper here, everything in our personal world revolves around the ego. Which I will go into more detail in Part 2 of this series.

  1. “In the end it’s all about ego”  “I thought married love was something different.”
  2. “We had very little sexual chemistry” “I often lied”
  3. “I met someone with whom I had real sexual chemistry”  “I can be with a person with whom I have something that is satisfying.”

If these are the reasons for giving up on a marriage, and where there are probably young children involved, being dumped is devastating to say the least.  What usually happens is we allow our self-esteem to get so tied up in what other people think, especially our spouse. We start to question and ask ourselves, “where did I go wrong?” and if that’s the case STOP NOW!

Let me explain. I believe that any marriage that is seemingly coming to an end, then everyone has to look at what their part was in the resulting breakup and stop blaming the other. This is best done with guidance and neutrality with a qualified counsellor. That’s if you both really want to stay together and make it work. If you have both decided that breaking up is the best for you both, it’s still a good idea to go through the process of ‘finding out’ what your part was in the break up.

I’ve seen it happen, that when a couple or just one of them has gone through this process, they have fallen in love again and their partner has ‘changed’ accordingly.

At the very least each has come to know a little more about her/himself and are able to form a better relationship next time, with a new partner.

It’s true to say though, that when the wife is dumped suddenly, it’s usually because of another woman. A man very rarely leaves the nest unless there is someone else to go to. So  in my next post. we’ll take a look at EGO. How to get over the Cheater: Part ii.

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Divorce Recovery: How to get over the cheater. Part 1

https://divorcerecoverysolutions.wordpress.com

Photograph: Ace Stock Ltd/Alamy

How many women out there are trying to work things out, trying desperately to keep the family together and then the bomb shell. There’s another woman!

To make things worse your man might even be telling you how he likes you and what a great Mum you are, then here comes the…BUT,  I’m not in love with you anymore…

Here are three excerpts from men who were leaving their wives for another woman.

  • “In the end, it’s all about ego, I suppose. I’m not sure I ever was in love with my wife the way I should have been. I thought married love was something different.”
  • “We had very little sexual chemistry if any, and I often lied about how attracted I was to her because I didn’t want her to feel bad.”
  • “I met someone with whom I had real sexual chemistry and it became clear very quickly that I was with the wrong woman.  I don’t resent my wife, but I do want to move on so that I can be with a person with whom I have something that is satisfying.”

A very good friend of mine (a guy) once said; “A man has only enough blood for his brain or his Penis, but never both together” With these excuses above that seems to make sense.

Hmmm… However I see something deeper here why my friends statement might not be quite true!

  1. “In the end it’s all about ego”  “I thought married love was something different.”
  2. “We had very little sexual chemistry” “I often lied”
  3. “I met someone with whom I had real sexual chemistry”  “I can be with a person with whom I have something that is satisfying.”

If these are the reasons for giving up on a marriage, and where there are probably young children involved, being dumped is devastating to say the least.  What usually happens is we allow our self-esteem to get so tied up in what other people think, especially our spouse. We start to question and ask ourselves, “where did I go wrong?” and if that’s the case STOP NOW!

Let me explain. I believe that any marriage that is seemingly coming to an end, then everyone has to look at what their part was in the resulting breakup and stop blaming the other. This is best done with guidance and neutrality with a qualified counsellor. That’s if you both really want to stay together and make it work. If you have both decided that breaking up is the best for you both, it’s still a good idea to go through the process of ‘finding out’ what your part was in the break up.

I’ve seen it happen, that when a couple or just one of them has gone through this process, they have fallen in love again and the significant other has ‘changed’ accordingly.

At the very least each has come to know a little more about her/himself and are able to form a better relationship next time, with a new partner.

It’s true to say though, that when the wife is dumped suddenly, it’s usually because of another woman. A man very rarely leaves the nest unless there is someone else to go to. So let’s take a look at the 3 scenarios above…and I will, in the next post. How to get over the Cheater: Part ii.

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My Health Quest

Yes, the narcissist is my nemesis. I get mesmerized by such a person …well, I should specify that now, I still attract “male” narcissists even though I have eliminated ‘friend’ narcissists from my life. If a narcissistic man shows me any amount of attention, I ‘fall’….immediately. I lose all sense of logic and control and believe, unconsciously, that he is ‘real’.

My mother is a narcissist, so I was raised by one. That’s why I’ve spent my whole life loving them and losing myself to get them to love me…to no avail. I will fight for the rest of my days to stay away from them, especially in regards to relationships. I married one, and recently, another narcissist , who I met over a year ago, has been ‘sniffing around’…and I almost got totally caught up in him.

So, what is a narcissist? According to Wikipedia, NARCISSISM is…

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The darkness before the dawn. By, Carissa Rogers Henry

I hope I don’t get into trouble for re posting this blog, but it was shareable on Facebook and other social websites.

I feel that Carissa has written in a most meaningful way some of her feelings about the aftermath of divorce. Therefore I felt compelled to share the link with you.

Carissa Rogers Henry is a recently divorced mother of two who works as a high school librarian in Trenton, GA. She has a degree in English and Secondary Education from Lee University, a master’s degree in Library and Information Studies from the University of Alabama, and an Ed.S. degree from Lincoln Memorial University. When Carissa is not checking out books or running after her children, she enjoys capturing the world through the lens of her camera, devouring local rock shows, and seeking inspiration to write.

The Darkness before the Dawn..

Our relationship had become weathered and worn by time, until that last little bit of goodness between us had eroded away as though it were a natural part of life. So after much reflection and consideration, we decided to end our marriage.

Because we agreed to remain amicable and on good terms for our two children, I assumed that this divorce would be easier than the messy divorces we witnessed over the years. We vowed to work together to be good co-parents and still collaborate on all things involving the children — just from two different households. We planned to set a new precedent for divorce and do it in a way that few have done it before, defying the odds and modeling a noteworthy example. Essentially, I thought I had it all figured out, and in the recesses of my mind, I had painted a landscape of ease and civility. I was going to master divorce in the same way I mastered college-level British Literature, with a zealous A+.

But I was not prepared for what happened in the months that followed. I had no idea how much it would hurt when the wave of sadness and reality finally came crashing down on me. Out of nowhere, I unexpectedly found myself lost, grief-stricken, and emotionally struggling to stay afloat. I thought I was mentally equipped and ready for this divorce, yet I was suddenly falling apart. There were a few things I wish I’d known about divorce before I faced it and a few things I’ve learned thus far: TO READ MORE, CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carissa-henry/divorce-the-darkness-befo_b_2156589.html

 

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Are you respected as a woman? Self Esteem

Are you respected as a woman? Self Esteem

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I think this says it all, don’t you think?

The question is, how much do you respect yourself to accept the respect given to you? 

Yes this is a serious question and I ask it because I have come across many women who, have without realising it, have a feeling of such low self-worth, that even when they are given the love and respect they deserve, they can’t accept it.

Another word for ‘self worth’ is self-esteem. Which is how we judge ourselves . That is, a positive or negative concept of how we see ourselves.

If we give ourselves a score of 1 to 10 about anything we might do, a person with low self-esteem will usually judge him/herself under the score of five.

SELF ESTEEM IS:

  • A disposition that a person has which represents their judgements of their own worthiness.
  • The experience of not being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and being worthy of happiness.
  • The sum of self-confidence (a feeling of personal capacity) and self-respect (a feeling of personal worth).
  • It exists as a consequence of the implicit judgement that every person has of their ability to face life’s challenges, to understand and solve problems, and their right to achieve happiness and be given respect.
  • The importance of self-esteem lies in the fact that it concerns  the way we are and the sense of our personal value. It affects the way we are and act in the world and the way we are related to by everybody else
  • Nothing in the way we think, feel, decide and act escapes the subconscious influence of self-esteem.

How might a low self-esteem translate in our everyday life.

  • You can become a doormat for your family and friends.
  • You have few boundaries. e.g feeling that everyone needs to know your secrets. (Needs validation)
  • Go to extremes to please others. (People pleasing)
  • Forego your own time and pleasures to fall in with significant others. (Don’t deserve to have my needs met)
  • Difficult to make a simple decision. ( Fear of making a mistake.)
  • Hypersensitive of others criticizing. (This is extremely devastating to you. You have enough criticism from yourself)
  • Afraid of voicing your own opinions. (Might lead to that awful criticism)
  • Self criticism & dissatisfaction. (Perfection, leading to frustration when perfection is not achieved.)
  • Guilt: Dwelling on/and or exaggerating the size of past mistakes (Fear of what others might think)
  • Pessimistic outlook.  (Seeing temporary setbacks as permanent,  intolerable conditions.)
  • Envious of others. (Leading to resentment)

https://divorcerecoverysolutions.wordpress.com/2012/11/13/are-you-respected-as-a-woman-self-esteem/narcissus-2/In my blog: Have you been married to a Narcissist  I talk about the character traits of Narcissism. Don’t confuse this with High or Low Self-Esteem. Narcissism is a disposition that represents a person’s love of oneself. It is characterized by an inflated view of self-worth. Individuals who score high on Narcissism measures, Robert Raskin’s 40 Item True or False Test, would likely select true to such statements as “If I ruled the world, it would be a much better place”.

There is only a moderate correlation between narcissism and self-esteem; that is to say that an individual can have high self-esteem but low narcissism or he might be a conceited, obnoxious person and score high self-esteem and high narcissism.

This is one of my favourite quotes

“You are in charge of your feelings, beliefs, and actions. And YOU teach others how to behave toward you. 
While you cannot change other people, you can influence them through your own behaviours and action. 
By being a living role model of what you want to receive from others, you create more of what you want in your life.

~♥ Eric Allenbaugh

Blessings Tovah

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