Yes, the narcissist is my nemesis. I get mesmerized by such a person ...well, I should specify that now, I still attract "male" narcissists even though I have eliminated 'friend' narcissists from my life. If a narcissistic man shows me any amount of attention, I 'fall'....immediately. I lose all sense of logic and control and believe, unconsciously, that he is 'real'.
I hope I don’t get into trouble for re posting this blog, but it was shareable on Facebook and other social websites.
I feel that Carissa has written in a most meaningful way some of her feelings about the aftermath of divorce. Therefore I felt compelled to share the link with you.
Carissa Rogers Henry is a recently divorced mother of two who works as a high school librarian in Trenton, GA. She has a degree in English and Secondary Education from Lee University, a master’s degree in Library and Information Studies from the University of Alabama, and an Ed.S. degree from Lincoln Memorial University. When Carissa is not checking out books or running after her children, she enjoys capturing the world through the lens of her camera, devouring local rock shows, and seeking inspiration to write.
The Darkness before the Dawn..
Our relationship had become weathered and worn by time, until that last little bit of goodness between us had eroded away as though it were a natural part of life. So after much reflection and consideration, we decided to end our marriage.
Because we agreed to remain amicable and on good terms for our two children, I assumed that this divorce would be easier than the messy divorces we witnessed over the years. We vowed to work together to be good co-parents and still collaborate on all things involving the children — just from two different households. We planned to set a new precedent for divorce and do it in a way that few have done it before, defying the odds and modeling a noteworthy example. Essentially, I thought I had it all figured out, and in the recesses of my mind, I had painted a landscape of ease and civility. I was going to master divorce in the same way I mastered college-level British Literature, with a zealous A+.
But I was not prepared for what happened in the months that followed. I had no idea how much it would hurt when the wave of sadness and reality finally came crashing down on me. Out of nowhere, I unexpectedly found myself lost, grief-stricken, and emotionally struggling to stay afloat. I thought I was mentally equipped and ready for this divorce, yet I was suddenly falling apart. There were a few things I wish I’d known about divorce before I faced it and a few things I’ve learned thus far: TO READ MORE, CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW.
This morning I found the pic below, on my Face Book page by:
I think this says it all, don’t you think?
The problem is, how much do you respect yourself to accept the respect given to you?
This is one of my favorite quotes
“You are in charge of your feelings, beliefs, and actions. And you teach others how to behave toward you.
While you cannot change other people, you can influence them through your own behaviours and action.
By being a living role model of what you want to receive from others, you create more of what you want in your life.
~♥ Eric Allenbaugh
Going through divorce is at the best of times, tiresome and exhausting.
- Are you feeling:
- Depressed or unmotivated?
- Like your in a pit and falling further into it?
- There is no light shining at the end of the dark tunnel?
- Crying with grief?
- Wanting to move forward but you feel stuck?
- Then I would say you are needing some inspiration and motivation and a reminder about who you are?
- Don’t worry it’s quite normal going through what you’re going through or have been through!
- We all need help at times.
- You are not alone.
So that’s why I’m sharing this link:
Recommended by: Aspire Magazine-Inspiration for Women
I hope I see you there: It’s a five-part, five-week, Tele-seminar Training Program worth $997-00 for free. (Can’t be bad) Click on the link for further details:
If you manage to listen to any of the teleseminars, I’d love to hear what you thought of them! What did you learn?
Many years ago as a young volunteer in a battered wives shelter in Jerusalem (unfortunately domestic violence is no stranger in the Holy City) The women would arrive with horrendous bruises, most had been sexually abused and all had been psychologically battered. I was astounded how these women felt guilty for leaving their husbands and found a safe place away from the abuse. I would ask why they felt guilty and their answer was usually “because he loves me”!!
No matter how many times they were told that a man doesn’t beat his wife black and blue if he loves her, it made no difference. These women would only focus on the odd small, kindnesses and nice words shown to them by her abuser.
The following are some of the symptoms of Battered Wife Syndrome: The new terminology is now: Battered Person Syndrome (BPS) Seems women beat up their husbands too.
When Battered Person Syndrome (BPS) manifests as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) it consists of the following symptoms: (a) re-experiencing the battering as if it were recurring even when it is not, (b) attempts to avoid the psychological impact of battering by avoiding activities, people, and emotions, (c) hyperarousal or hypervigilance, (d) disrupted interpersonal relationships, (e) body image distortion or other somatic concerns, and (f) sexuality and intimacy issues.
- The abused thinks that the violence was his or her fault.
- The abused has an inability to place the responsibility for the violence elsewhere.
- The abused fears for his/her life and/or the lives of his/her children (if present).
- The abused has an irrational belief that the abuser is omnipresent and omniscient.
Due to constant and severe domestic violence sometimes involving physical abuse by a partner, the abused becomes depressed and/or unable to take any independent action that would allow him or her to escape the abuse. The condition explains why abused people may not seek assistance from others, fight their abuser, or leave the abusive situation. Sufferers may have low self-esteem, and are often led to believe that the abuse is their fault. The abused person may feel so much gratitude to her abuser when a small amount of kindness is shown.
Most of us who are going through or have gone through divorce may not have gone through such terrible, physically abusive marriages, but many women have suffered a mental battering, leaving us with feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, depression, and confusion.
It doesn’t matter if we’ve arrived at a battered woman’s shelter or we’re left to pick up the pieces of our broken lives, it’s a matter of stepping out of our comfort zone. It sometimes just feels more comfortable staying in familiar circumstances, no matter how bad, than escaping to an unknown future. If we take this step of leaving everything that is familiar, life is, from here on in going to be very different.
Stepping out of your comfort zone is difficult, but there are people who can and will help you. Please understand, there is no shame in asking for help. Coming out of an abusive marriage to find safety for you and your children is your first priority. You have to protect your children. Believe me they will thank you for it later.
- They will feel that at last they are being protected by you.
- Children need to feel safe.
- They will have more respect for you.
- You will be showing them, that what their Father does is not Okay and it is NOT OKAY.
Having read these concerns about your children, at least start to consider that you have to make a decision. That is if you or your kids are not in physical danger.
If you are in physical danger, especially if there is drug or alcohol abuse involved, call the police or call the number of any hot line in your area and they will be able to put you in contact with the right people to help you.
Here are some considerations once you’ve made the decision.
- If you’re escaping an abusive addict or alcoholic, if necessary call the police and through the court you can get a restraining order so that he is not allowed near you, your kids, or your house.
- Seek out supportive friends, relatives and/or support group.
- Can they offer you a place to stay for a while if need be?
- If you have access to money, put some into your own account, if you don’t have one, start one.
- Try to put into the account enough for three months rent and utilities, kids, travel etc, at least, if you have it.
- If you’re working try to save some money.
- If you haven’t worked whilst you were married get any job you can, even if you feel you’re over qualified for it.
- Keep thinking about what is right for you and your kids.
- Get help with a counselor or therapist to help with any denial, self-esteem/co-dependency issues. Don’t feel bad we all have those issues.
- Coming out of our comfort zone means taking a leap of Faith!
- If you have a Higher Power pray for help, clarity, courage and strength.
- There will be good days and not so good days. It’s just a day!
- Take each day as it comes trying to accept your new reality
- Sometimes your new reality might seem unfair and it sucks.
- Try to accept that you are stepping into a new life. You will become the owner of your new life, sometimes it’s lonely, sometimes very challenging, but I found most of all that it was my chance to grow into the person I was meant to become and all that it involves.
- I personally feel as a Mother I owed it to my kids, so that the cycle of dysfunctional behaviors would come to an end once and for all.
- We all have the power to become who we are meant to be and only we can stop ourselves, by staying where it’s comfortable.
This is the serenity prayer which has become famous through 12 step programs. It’s a very powerful prayer and has helped thousands of people.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things, I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
I belong to a very good on-line support group for divorced women. To have on-line support is great, either in addition to, or in the absence of a regular divorce recovery support group in your home town. It’s really essential to have good support whilst going through the process of divorce and to help you to discover your new life ahead of you. Sometimes life really does begin after divorce, but we have to take responsibility to make that happen.
Many of the women speak of being married to a Narcissist, sometimes a counselor has diagnosed the disorder from their description. However many women find it harder than most to move on with their lives after their divorce. not surprising, living with a real narcissist can sap the very soul out of anyone. For anyone who has been living under the same roof with a narcissist for any length of time will tell you how devastating it can be for the whole family. I know of one woman whose husband definitely showed many signs of this disorder and would say how “I have two children and an infantile” It really does seem that the narcissist gets stuck in childhood.
Here is an explanation of what I mean;
In children, inflated self-views and grandiose feelings, which are characteristics of narcissism, are part of the normal self-development. Children are typically unable to understand the difference between their actual and their ideal self, which causes an unrealistic perception of the self. After about age 8, views of the self, both positive and negative, begin to develop based on comparisons of peers, and become more realistic. Two factors that cause self-view to remain unrealistic are dysfunctional interactions with parents that can be either excessive attention or a lack thereof. The child will either compensate for lack of attention or act in terms of unrealistic self-perception.
NPD can take on many forms, characterizing specific disorder traits, but the following is a general short description.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which the individual is described as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity. This condition affects one percent of the population. First formulated in 1968, it was historically called megalomania, and it is closely linked to egocentrism.
Narcissism, the condition, was named after a mythological Greek youth named Narcissus who became infatuated with his own reflection in a lake. He eventually died there because he couldn’t tear himself away from the admiration of his image.
Symptoms of this disorder include, but are not limited to:
- Reacts to criticism with anger, shame, or humiliation
- May take advantage of others to reach their own goals
- Tends to exaggerate their own importance, achievements, and talents
- Imagines unrealistic fantasies of success, beauty, power, intelligence, or romance
- Requires constant attention and positive reinforcement from others
- Easily becomes jealous
- Lacks empathy and disregards the feelings of others
- Obsessed with oneself
- Mainly pursues selfish goals
- Trouble keeping healthy relationships
- Is easily hurt and rejected
- Sets goals that are unrealistic
- Wants “the best” of everything
I believe women who marry these men (women can have NPD also) may show personality signs of co-dependency. What better partner for a narcissist than a people pleaser. He’ll feel like he’s arrived in hog heaven.
The other night I watched the film ‘Eat Pray Love‘ starring Julia Roberts. I’d heard different reviews about the film, but my own thoughts were of total appreciation for what this young woman was going through. I remember asking myself those questions: who am I, where am I going, and what am I doing!
Anyway in one scene, I saw that Liz was in a book shop and picked up a book called ‘Crappy to Happy‘ I thought “well yeah, that’s a pretty good name for a, how the hell do I pick myself up and get back on the road to what?” kind of book, So hence the name of my blog too!
When I was in the throe’s of my divorce, everyone kept saying ”just have faith” everything will work out for the best. I knew somehow that it would, but how can I just have faith? Easier said than done, right?
Most of my life I’d been going through the motions and rituals of my religion. I went through life struggling, fighting, debating, wheeling and dealing, begging to get what I wanted from God….Needless to say that didn’t work…. besides why should I have faith and trust in a God that seemed to be constantly punishing me? Heck NO!!
Then one day a good friend and very wise person said that “I should think of God, a Higher Being, the Universe, H/she, Good Orderly Direction, whatever name I wanted to use, in terms that I can accept and understand. So I started to make my list of human characteristics, that was my only compass, that I would accept in a Power greater than myself. The list of course, no matter how complete, would be incomplete or my understanding wouldn’t be of an infinite being.
The bottom line was that the God of my understanding became loving instead of punishing. That was a revelation! A great weight was lifted off me, as I suddenly realized that I wasn’t in charge or in control of the world, not even most people in my own little world, places and situations.
Instead many of us will try to manipulate a situation through perhaps dishonest, self-seeking ways. We need to begin to go with the flow of the river, the flow of nature, the energies of the universe.
That doesn’t mean we’re left without choices, after all we have free will, but we can choose a path, walk the road to the best of our ability and leave the results up to our Higher Being. If we don’t get that fantastic job that we’ve always wished for, believe me it’s for a reason, maybe something better is planned for you, or you are being saved from some pending disaster.
Now it’s time to set aside ALL of your old ways of thinking. To be aware of our character traits that can lead us into trouble, by being dishonest, manipulating, arrogant, impulsive, self-seeking, and intolerant. We can learn to use our better traits, such as honesty, tolerance, loving kindness, patience, learn to sit back go with the flow, and above all have faith. Become aware, begin to see the truth in all that happens to us and around us to be in the place where we’re meant to be.
None of this happens overnight: it takes practice like riding a bicycle. Ask yourself, if the way you have been living your life is really working for you? If the answer is “it’s not” then what have you got to lose. We have to do our part to the best of our ability, and leave the outcome to God.
Believing in God is not enough! To gain acceptance, strength and courage to move forward and reach our goals, we have to have faith and trust in God as we would in a good friend. These feelings build over time, as we seize opportunities with courage, as we see the results of how our life progresses. Any feelings of loneliness and despair will start to disappear. Fear of people and insecurities about ourselves change too. Our whole outlook on life changes as we see God of our understanding, working in our lives.
After all, as human beings, we’re not just made up of physical matter but a huge part of us is made up of the spiritual. Without spiritual fitness we can all fall into the darkness of despair and hopelessness. I call it the ‘Abyss.’ Traveling our journey from a living hell, to a peaceful serenity is very simple, yet very challenging and scary in itself, but you can do it. I did, and if what I share with you here, what worked for me, then it just might work for you.
Pray or meditate to keep focused on the power that’s helping you. Just do your best, keep asking for the courage and strength to do what you need to do!
I’ve seen many people come through the most horrendous tragedies, illness, addiction, accidents, death of loved ones, and divorce. They are all recovering and continuing their journey through life feeling happy, joyous, and free and most of all they share a feeling of peace and serenity.
Serenity comes when we can enjoy each moment with gratitude, secure in the knowledge that we are being taken care of.